The worst part of coming to work in the morning is having to rush with everyone on the mrt, and then standing sardine packed on the train with the possibility that someone is going to feel my ass. Swaying from left to right, and then losing my balance when the train jerks, because I haven’t had years of experience standing with my legs shoulder width apart to control my body from inertia. I can always feel beads of sweat dripping down my face, my back, my neck. Then I come into the office and everyone stares. Is it because I have something on my face? Is it because im overweight (by their standards)? As soon as I walk in I feel the competitive stares, everyone tearing me apart with their eyes. No smiles. No hellos. Just dark, squinted eyes. Then a second later all heads are back down, almost in unison, rushing to complete whatever they were doing before being rudely interrupted by the non-Chinese speaking Chinese. This is common practice throughout the day. No smiles. No hellos. Just looks of despair, tiredness, wishing they were somewhere else, someone else. Wait that would be me staring at my reflection. Every week, five days a week, this is my life. I guess I should be glad it’s not five and a half, but this is bad enough.
But my heart skips a beat when I hear a “ping” from my phone. I know it’s a message from none other than my baby. It’s a message of love, a promise that everything will be ok. Any doubts are washed away. Time seems to stop for just a while and Im not even conscious of where I am. For that moment I am lost, oblivious to my surroundings. I forget the morning train ride, the walk of shame through the glass doors, the stares of death, the absence of hellos and smiles. Everything seems to be perfect for the briefest of moments. It is in these moments that I find strength, courage, determination to carry on, to fight back those stares and to put on a smile in hope that for every 10 smiles i will receive one back, but more importantly to know that this is just one phase of my life and it will make me a more fervent, respectable person.
